My dear readers. Today marks exactly three weeks since I learnt of my father’s death. His death has ripped my heart apart because he was to me a mother and a father. Besides my children, Papa was the only blood relative I spoke to. I’m one of those people on earth who do not understand my life. Since Daddy died I’m terribly lonely and I feel my heart has been broken and I can’t believe I’m living this reality now. I’m so lost without my father, he was always a WhatsApp chat away, sending me endless voice notes, videos and messages. I didn’t realise how much I am connected to him, or how much my soul was intertwined with him.
I find myself saying “Daddy, where are you? Please come back Just one more time.” I find myself talking to him, can he hear me I wonder…
I don’t know where he has gone to, or if his spirit is okay and resting. Before he died I always saw this one star, so big and I called it my star. Since Daddy died, I have never seen that star, I look for it every night.
Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have bad days. But consistently I’m very angry. I hate that Zimbabweans especially expect me to be righteous, and behave like a God. But I’m not God, I am mortal and was created. It’s not my fault that I was treated so bad by the people who were meant to protect me. I refuse to forgive people who are not sorry. I refuse to forgive people who never repent. Even God himself can not forgive a person who is not sorry, so why do Zimbabweans want me to do that which God cannot do.
These are the names of the people who have been so evil to me. Patrick Matambanadzo. Artwell Matambanadzo. Penelope Mukasa. Lloyd Gasho. Tonight I will start with Lloyd. I can’t let it go. That’s my brother, Lloyd Gasho. My older brother. When I came here to UK, I was only 17 working in nursing homes, doing agency work sometimes working for over 48 hrs without a break. My older brother used to DEMAND I buy him clothes, designer clothes. He would be so angry with me. He would tell me it was my duty to bring him to the UK. He would be so angry with me I became afraid of him and felt obligated to do everything he told me. He accused me often of being a bad sister unless I sent him clothes and did what he wanted. My Daddy would be so angry with him , telling him to leave me alone. I started working so hard, to raise the money to bring him to England.
When I was a little girl, and Lloyd used to beat me up, Papa would be so angry with him. Lloyd was always angry with me growing up, because Daddy loved me so, and he always spoke so fondly of me. And Lloyd would say, “ Why does Daddy favour Jean over me?” And my mother would comfort him.
Well, sadly when I came to my Jerusalem, after my Chief Papa made it possible for me, I finally succumbed to Lloyd’s bullying and brought him here to the UK, with my hard earned money and not once did he ever say the words “Thank you.”
Upon entering the UK, he failed to even hold the jobs I did, even for a week. He said it was not for him to do shitty jobs as he called it. Within days of entering UK, he has hooked with a girlfriend, a woman I had taken pity on because her boyfriend had dumped her and all her friends had abandoned her. Penelope Mukasa had become my own best friend, after I had befriended her out of mercy. Then my brother chose to literally hook up with this woman, as they both asked me for permission because it was so awkward.
Within less than 7 days of Lloyd entering the UK, Penelope moved him out of my house into her flat. He would lie to me that he’s going to work and he would spend all his days sleeping in Penny’s house. Those days I was going through a very painful separation from my first husband, and my own brother couldn’t be with me. I suffered from terrible panic attacks at night so much I would sleep on the door, all night as I was too terrified to sleep in the house. My brother was there in the country just a few minutes from my house, I would calm him, he knew I was suffering I told him. I begged him to stay in the house with me. He refused. Penny had completely taken him. He wouldn’t even be there for me when I needed him the most.
Even my Daddy was so angry with Lloyd. He was angry at how he conducted himself the moment he entered United Kingdom. He had always warned me not to bring Lloyd to the UK. He told me Lloyd would hurt me and cause problems for me. But I never listened. I thought Daddy was being too harsh because he had a very bad relationship with Lloyd. But my Daddy, my only mother and father was so right.
Penny then turned against me not long after she hooked with my brother. After I had literally given her a man during the darkest hour of her life. She would have never been with Lloyd was it not for me. I made the two of them meet, yet they both turned on me and were ever so cruel to me. They repaid my good with evil. I even covered up for Lloyd that he was sleeping with Felistas Mudzingwa behind Penny’s back, but they were both so evil to me. As Penny went for night shifts, Lloyd would go to Felistas’ house and spend all night there. Felistas was also a friend of mine at that time. Lloyd would send me all his chats with Felistas bragging to me that he was the ultimate player. Yet I concealed all his secrets.
My Daddy is the one who brought me to the UK, because I deserved it. I am the only child he had who actually studied hard in school and actually passed my GCSE’s. The rest of his children did not achieve anything academically. That’s why my Daddy was so angry with all of them.
Whilst I worked hard to become a qualified nurse, using my academic achievements in Zimbabwe, my brother Lloyd Gasho who refused to do hard labour in the UK, chose to use a fake O’Level certificate that he had made in Zimbabwe to enter University in the UK. Today he boasts that he’s a housing officer etc but truly he’s not because he used fake documents to achieve those qualifications.
I’m angry because Lloyd has been so evil to me. When I split up with my first husband and sought refuge in his house he was so unkind to me. His wife Penny was worse, she was mean to my children, she would shout at them and say evil things to them when I went jogging. One day I was out jogging then I had to go back to the house for something, as I approached the house I heard Penny shouting and screaming at my children, in fact she was screaming at Nakai. And my two little boys, who were only 4 and 6 at that time, were shouting back at her, telling her to leave Nakai alone. I was so proud of my little boys. They are very protective of their sister and they fought their evil aunty back.
Lloyd would call Zimbabwe, and tell my mother and father that my children are not good children. Yet my children are the most well behaved children, everyone who knows them testifies of that.
At my lowest point in life, Lloyd kicked me out of his house in the UK, and put me in a women’s refuge.
When I was broken, and facing numerous court cases, and going through a very public divorce, Lloyd and Penny chose that very hour to do a wedding. They could have waited until my case died down. But no, in the very heat of my trauma, they managed to do an emergency public wedding out of the blue. Like if they didn’t do that wedding when I was literally on the floor, they would never do it again.
I still saw him as an elder brother, and each time I had a problem I followed Zimbabwe culture and spoke to him, but he would ignore my messages, or never acknowledge me at all. I still have messages that he completely ignored. One time I poured my heart to him about Mother, wanting him to help me. And all he said was, “Maybe one day we can talk over a coffee or something.”
When I brought my mother to the UK, and she was being evil to me, the first person I tried to talk to was Lloyd, but he refused to even listen to my side of the story, taking my mother’s side and causing much pain to my soul in the process.
My Daddy sent him over £10k from Zimbabwe to buy him a car. Yes my Dad was a very wealthy man. He wanted that luxury car shipped to Zimbabwe, it was his car. Lloyd refused and conspired with my mother to take my Daddy’s car. He would go around bragging in the Uk. Talking pictures in the car and posting on Facebook as though the car was his, saying to me that at his workplace no one drives a car as nice as his. Yet it was Daddy’s car. Daddy was so hurt. So hurt.
When I passed my driving test, Daddy ordered Lloyd to give me the car, but Lloyd refused. In fact Miriam my so called mother, called me and told me that I could not have the car. One of my uncles Clemence Gashu called me and told me that they were saying they can’t have my Ghanaian husband Nino sitting in such a nice car.
Daddy called me and said, “Baby if you take that car they will kill you. For your own food, just leave the car, it’s not worth it.” Daddy always tried to be the bigger person, he was way more righteous than me.
Now that my Daddy’s gone, I’ve nothing to lose. My Daddy held me together, he would say hush Jean it’s okay, you have me. When I told him about Lloyd and would cry to him, he would say it’s okay Jean, leave him karma will locate him. Daddy loves you, you have me.
Now that my Daddy’s gone, I’m going to write all that’s in my heart. All they have done to me, from Lloyd Gasho, Patrick Matambanadzo, Penelope Mukasa, Artwell Matambanadzo, I will not stop until my anger is appeased. In Shona they call it kuripa.
I’m not more righteous than God, I can not forgive people who are not sorry….I don’t know why people expect me to be bigger than God. I hate Zimbabwean culture that hides evil in the name of culture.
I will not stop until my anger is appeased
The Genesis of the Revelation by
Mary-Tamar was Jean
PS- I used my phone to write this essay I have not revised it.