A lot of people do not understand why I write. In fact a lot of people do not understand that writing saved my life. Writing changed my life. I have had the most healing therapy through writing. There have been times in my life when my readers have given me JAW Therapy when I needed it the most, especially when I was walking through the darkest moments of my life.
In 2014, life took a dramatic turn for me. It was one of the most cruel years of my life. It seemed as though God had turned his back on me and left me alone in the cold.
I was going through a very bitter divorce. I was being taken to court by my ex who wanted my children removed from my care. I had just lost my house, becoming homeless with 3 young children. In that year I was also in a court case with a church prophet who cruelly abused me. I don’t think I ever smiled or laughed during 2014. I lost faith in humanity. I suddenly found myself being a single mother. I used to walk in the streets and look at women who were just smiling and I would ask myself if I will ever smile again in this life.
During this time, I really wanted my mother. I would have nightmares at night it was as though I was living hell on earth. So as much as things had been strained between my mother and me prior to this cruel year, I still longed for my mother and I thought she would come to the UK and have mercy on me and comfort me.
So I invited her to the UK, and she came.
Oh, and I was also pregnant when I was going through all this. I feared the baby would be born traumatised because I thought no baby can survive being in the womb when the mother is tormented like this. I thought if my mother came, she would understand and just help me through all this.
But when my mother came, unfortunately, she wasn’t there for me at all. She used this time to make preparations for a wedding. For her, the wedding became the highlight of her coming to the UK, telling me how lucky people who had husbands were and that I was now a divorcee who was pregnant and with 3 children. Each time she was with me she would talk about the grand wedding, and how lucky and blessed the couple was. During this time I was hurting and broken. To me, it was as though my mother was celebrating my divorce and all the evil that had befallen me.
Things got so bad, and she had to walk out on me and we never spoke for months. She was supposed to be with me when I was giving birth, but I ended up giving birth alone, without a birthing partner.
During that time of my life, one day, as I was sitting in my house in despair, curled up on the corner of my sofa as the children slept, my phone beeped and it was an email. It got my attention as it was titled ‘A TOAST TO JEAN’. I started to read. When I got to the part which said, ‘I am in awe of your strength, resilience, courage, and perseverance against all odds.’ My eyes began to well up. People always write to me asking for help and advice, but there are times when my readers have been my JAW Therapy, and this was one of those moments.
Racheal was telling me that she wasn’t brave enough to write about her abuse, but she didn’t realise that her writing to me was the bravest thing she ever did. When she told me that she was old enough to be my mother. I just began to cry. I was crying because I had a mother who could never understand me even during my darkest hour but a stranger had written to me with a hand of a mother’s love that I was longing for. Racheal made me believe I could go on without my mother. She made me realise I could still carry on and make it.
Her letter went like this…
Dear Jean
I saw a link on a facebook group. Not sure what made me follow up the link and it was you announcing that you had a new blog as you were not writing on the He was my daddy blog.
I started going backwards reading anything I could find about you. I am in awe of your strength, resilience, courage, and perseverance against all odds. Equally important that you held on to your faith. Most likely I would not have believed your story if I was not a survivor of abuse myself. That’s one of the many evils of many forms of abuse. The experiences are just unbelievable. Abuse is too outrageous to be true, too weird, too unreal – the opposite of what we regard as norm. Unlike you I do not have the courage to write about and share it with others – maybe anonymously – one day – not sure. Recollecting the events is still bad enough.
I just want you to know that I am rooting for you. I am possibly old enough to be your mother but you have wisdom beyond your age.
Best wishes as you move on with your life. May it be a productive and happy one.
Racheal
I never replied Racheal as I was too emotional to write back. As I finished reading her letter, I said to myself, I will print this and put on my wall. So Racheal, if you are still following me, know that your abuse was never in vain, during the darkest time of my life, there was a JAW BONE in you that rose up, and you wrote one of the letters I treasure the most.
You wished me the best in my life, well I met my Boaz. I saw him singing at a show and my heart melted, he went home and read my blog and fell in love with me. The rest became history. But one thing that I treasure the most is he makes me really really happy. Today I laugh a lot. You wished me happiness, and it came to pass, I just wanted to say thank you, you are a true JAW BONE.
jeangasho.com 