My Open Letter To Febbie

Dear Febbie

Yesterday I was made aware of a video going viral on social media about a man called Lameck. He gate-crashed a funeral of a woman who had been a mother in law to his daughter. He stopped the whole funeral and chose to speak ill of the dead, declaring boldly that the dead woman had a cruel heart and was wicked to his daughter and grandchild. He poured out his heart about a particular dehumanising treatment of his beloved daughter by the deceased where she urinated in a jug and poured the urine on his beloved child. He expressed that he was angry that the evil woman had died and that he would have loved to finish with her whilst she was still alive because God had taken her too soon before his precious daughter was vindicated.

When I watched the video, I did not laugh like what some are doing, but I thought of you Febbie. It was that moment when I wished I also had someone in my life like Lameck. The video brought back some deep painful memories of not one year, not two years but of 12 years of my life.

I was raised in a culture where when you get married you are at the mercy of your in-laws, especially the mother-in-law. So I was at your mercy for 12 whole years. You had the right to treat me however you wished, and no one challenged you. I had to fight for your love, and praise you in public even when you were cruel to me.

But when I watched Lameck and his anguish over his mistreated daughter, I realised that there are some scars that can never fade. The pain may dimish over years, but the scars will always be there. When Lameck was pouring his heart out, telling the whole world that the woman who was dead was indeed an evil woman.  I said to myself that I will not speak ill of the dead.  But I will speak ill of the living according to their deeds and proclaim on the rooftop what they did in private.

I know you come across as the most God fearing woman on earth. You go to church faithfully every Sunday. You speak in tounges. You love to give testimonies of how much you fast. You are always boasting about how much tithes you pay.  But today I want to speak about those little things you did to me when no one was watching. The little things that made me think life was not worth living.

When I came to Zimbabwe to get married, you refused to welcome me into your home. Instead, you ran away,  saying you could never face me and left me a white chicken to kill and eat. Some say it’s voodoo, but I do not know why you gave me that chicken or what that was about. It was surely spooky. The day I was supposed to do the customary rituals of cleaning your house, you woke up at 4 am and told me never to touch your broom, your pots or anything that belonged to you.

I went back to the UK and thanked God I did not have to live with you.  But my freedom was short-lived, for, within months of coming back to the UK, you left Zimbabwe and migrated to England for good. This was to mark the beginning of living hell on earth, where a week would not pass by without me curling into a corner to cry.

Febbie you are the most wicked woman I have ever known. You hated me with a vengeance and I will never know why. You took advantage of your mother-in-law status and used it in full force on me. Even the environment of modern England could not protect me from your claws. You had your whole family behind you and that gave you power. I lived this reality for 12 years. I was only 19 years old when I got married. I was only but a child, but you had no mercy. The way you treated me was as if you had no daughters of your own or you did not know the pain of childbearing.

You often called me ugly. You said I was too tall and you hated tall people. You would often refuse to eat my food, accusing me of being a witch, even though I was just but a child. Where would I have learnt to be a witch? At my graduation, you told your relative to slap me, remember? Your daughters would turn the whole community against me. If I had a friend, within weeks the friend would be best friends with your daughters. You would even get close to my friends and turn them against me.

I was forced to go to family gatherings where I would have no one to talk to. I would cook and have my food shunned. I would be forced to listen to you throw abuse at me in front of everyone. I was mocked and laughed at by your daughters.

You called my children ugly, your own grandchildren.  Each time I gave birth I would dread you coming to see my new-born because you would not have a single kind word to say about my children.  That hurt a lot because my children are beautiful.

In public, I made out you were the best mother-in-law. I would praise you and buy you gifts. I hoped that if I did that, you would accept me and love me, but that was not even enough to soften your heart towards me.

After 12 years of dehumanising treatment from you Febbie and your three daughters, which almost took me to the grave, I got to the point where I said enough is enough and had to fight back. You got a shock of your life on that day, because I was no longer the timid girl that you could say anything to. I told you to your face to leave me alone. Remember that day Febbie? I know you remember it like yesterday. You didn’t like it, did you? And you called me a witch again. I thank God that was the last day I ever saw you.

You then called the ambulance with your daughter Gertrude. You told the British paramedics that I was mad and I should be sectioned under the mental health act.  You did this to humiliate me in front of the whole church just because I had stood my ground. But the paramedics saw through you that day. You wanted my children to be taken into care, and they saw what an evil mother-in-law you were. As I sat there, they told me never to trust you, or leave my children unattended in your care. I took their advice, that is why from that day you called the ambulance you have never seen my children again.

Febbie  I will not wait till you die to say this. There is no Lameck to vindicate me on your grave. Let those who worship Zimbabwean culture throw stones at me, but even in your heart you know what you used to do to me, and those things I could not even write, remember the night you visited me?

I write with freedom because today, my children are loved by a people who are not even their own. Oh, how blood is overrated. The children you used to hate are adored by a woman who has a heart of gold. Today I have a mother-in-law who cares about my children. I have a mother-in-law who calls me to cheer me up. I have brothers in law who will defend me when someone dares speak ill of me. I have a sister-in-law who puts my picture as her profile picture because she is so proud of me. Today I have a people I belong to, who have accepted me and the beautiful children you hated and despised. Oh, and how they are now thriving in an environment of Ghana love.

So when I say I love Ghana, and I am no longer Zimbabwean, I say so boldly because Ghana is where my broken heart was healed.  In Ghana I have found rest for the soul you tormented for 12 years.

So yes, I will not wait till you are dead Febbie, for I have no Lameck to vindicate me on your grave.

I did shed a tear or two when I was writing this, but at the end, I am smiling, almost laughing.

Who knows maybe this is the day that my scar will not hurt anymore. Maybe that lump on my throat that comes every time you come in my memory will never come again. I don’t ever want to have nightmares of you Febbie. So woman to woman, I have sang the song loudly of what you did to me, it is my song too,  and I know you will read this.

Oh and by the way, I know you think that I am. You always said I was, but I am not mad Febbie, I am just a woman.

Yours no longer at your mercy

Jean

 

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74 thoughts on “My Open Letter To Febbie

  1. Jean
    There are many Febbies out there
    Coming across as god fearing
    Mean while they are so wicked
    I’m gonna share this article.
    Yu said a lot just took words out of my mouth.
    I am my own lameck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great job Jean. I felt like telling the whole world how cruel my mother in law was towards me after watching that video. I think Lamec has started a revolution……My mother in law is still a Pastor …. laying hands on people’s heads in the diaspora. Fake, Hypocrite…. Evil woman she is.
      But one day is one day.
      Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Well said Jean l have always had the termerity to call a spade a spade l believe that irrespective of culturemo one should go through what you went through and that sharing like u did will be the beggining of a healing proccess big up to all the JEAN(S) in this world #standupagainstabuse

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      1. I am so sorry dear may the good Lord give you peace but on another hand honestly where was your husband in all this….He is supposed to protect you from his relatives and even from his own kids as well. Where was this man….

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      1. Norma remember that most of these men who do not protect their wives don’t marry for the right reasons. I would say they are still immature and mamas boys so speaking up means disrespect or so they think. They forget that your mother should not disrespect your wife and viseversa. You need to protect every person that matters to you and actually make them bond cause they have a common denominator which is the son. But immature men don’t see it that way

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      2. Noma the husband usually turns a blind eye whilst all this is happening.Monster in law has ultimate control from her husband ,her kids and everyone in the family.Sometimes you will console yourself believing its a teething process and will improve as you settle but she is a leopard her spots will never change.

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    1. Good job Jean. I was a victim once-of a father in law to make matters worse. Dai vari vamwene better! But thank God I am out of that mess now. You go girl, some parents just praise their good for nothing sons at the expense of other people’s children

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  2. Monster in law! Chaii! Febbie owes you a big apology to show that she is a true Christian if she truly did that! She should swallow her pride and shame the devil! But guess what she will laugh out loud and play church as usual.

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  3. I am so proud of you my sister. Surprisingly, when I watched Lameck’s video I thought of you. Most mother inlaws are from hell. I wonder who they think they are God. I have been there as you said I am happy that I never lived in that environment for long. Sometimes we keep holding on to what is not our. We live in bandage trying to make a relationship work. Once you are out of that relationship/family you call yourself stupid at the same time thanking God for opening your eyes to a happy marriage/relationship and prosperity. Do you know that there are some people who were to suffer and be poor so being with them longer will delay your success. I am happy for you for speaking out to Febbie while she is still alive. In addition, I would like to thank Lameck Makwiramiti for opening the door to freedom for every women who have lived a miserable life in the hands of their wicked mothers in law. Stay blessed.

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    1. Its so puzzling of what goes around in the world of Zimbabwean women. They are all foreign to the home of their in laws, young and old but the other old woman takes the guts to berate the young naive girls starting out in life. Its so unfair , inhuman, uncalled for and i wonder what people especially women in church would be discussing all the Thursdays and Sundays they spent at church!All barbarism nonsense and show off of dresses yet persecuting one another in blind fury.Men are not saints but they do not behave the way women do to one another. The world would become a better place if our women change their hearts especially towards the new varoora and i hope all Women movements in Zimbabwe need adjust all their programs to prioritize the issue of woman to woman abuse before pointing crooked fingers at men and all that
      Mother in law must change and embrace other people’s daughters in their fold.They are just the same daughters like theirs.

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    1. The son will never have the guts to challenge mum if she is this evil. Most Zimbabwean man do not stand up for their wives. Cowards! Good on you Jean for leaving this evil family.

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  4. Sadly this story is told over and over again in our society. People especially women hiding behind religion, wearing those uniforms and singing in the choir while abusing other women. About time someone called them out on their nonsense. Well done.

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  5. Thank you for saying what happened to you. It spells out what some of us went through. I was married to mummy ‘s boy and his mother was always correct in everything. He would rather listen to his mum first or finally. Funny their sons will always not believe what their mothers do. Unfortunately my MIL is now late and she asked for forgiveness on her death bed. She knew all along that what she was doing was wrong and cruel. Luckily I left that family as well when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Happy for you girls. You are right, the scars will haunt forever.

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  6. Its not Zim culture that is evil my dear woman its individuals, even in Ghana there are bad in-laws so do not say its the culture. Even in the Western world we hear daughters-in-law crying foul because their in-laws are evil. Good for you that you have now found love and acceptance in your new marriage.

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  7. Glad your broken heart has been mended, we all have Febbies in our lives. My Febbie is a woman who claims to be a God fearing woman , true servant of God, pastor, who took my children’s dad and selfishly made him her own. A pastor woman who would accompany a married man to file for divorce when she claims to be a marriage counsellor and goes on to form a church! Deut 32:35, Romans 12:19

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  8. You article makes a very heartbreaking read, how your mother in-law treated you is totally unacceptable in any culture and l can only say you are a very very strong person for enduring that treatment over 12 years. However l would like to point out that our culture is not and should not be tainted by the same brush “Let those who worship Zimbabwean culture throw stones at me”. We have no desire to throw anything at you or anyone, that is not part of who we are, you were quite unfortunate to have met a very very cruel woman, unfortunately this is a trait in every culture. I understand where you are coming from writing this, l know you are seething from inside and l take no offence in the way you assume that our culture is outright cruel, l just thought this was a point worth noting, l am certain my wife who is not Zimbabwean by origin will tell you a different narrative of Zimbabwean culture. I would also like to call out your ex mother in-law for being such a cruel individual with no morals and for tarnishing us all. Interestingly, l would like to know what your husband did or say throughout this 12 year period?

    Well done though for leaving this cruel family 👪 with your dignity intact. I am totally aware of how much that must have taken out of you. Hopefully, the Ghanaians will do a better job integrating you and helping you heal.

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    1. In Zim I can tell you it’s accepted as normal and part of marriage . Girls receive loads of ‘advice’ of what they should do for their mothers in law who treat them like slaves … it’s just some enlightened mothers in law who decide to be different.. but it’s the norm…
      mine is not cruel,she is dismissive of me but I have learnt to put boundaries on our relationship and been very clear about it. I however live 5000miles away from her so can’t say what she’d be like nearer. I have been very clear I won’t tolerate that nonsense and thankfully my husband is also very clear about that… in the first few years she tried it but every time she would act crazy I was very clear with the son I wasn’t putting up with it and as much as I love him … if he ain’t gonna manage his mum…we can go our separate ways and if he wants to …can go back and live with her… I decided in my 20’s … I’m Not going to allow someone to have that power over me marriage is a choice not something I have to endure like periods which happen whether I like it or not…

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  9. These are sad storries being told by women mistreated by in-laws how true women we are our worst enemy number. Mothers forget that they are daughter-inlaws still instead of being sisters they create havoc sad!

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    1. She doesn’t sound like she hates them, I think she has done well speaking for the voiceless. Forgiveness is good for healing but we have to fight after that

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  10. Jean

    It’s good that you have come out to openly shame your evil mother-in-law​ – Lameck would be very proud of you. I have observed that most of the commentators to your sad but inspiring story are women who are currently mother’s to sons and future mothers-in-law too. These ladies would most likely end up in Febbie’s position and I advise you ladies to use Jean’s testimony as a lesson to ensure that we break this vicious cycle. It’s like a cancer, especially in Zimbabwean society, that mother-in-law’s have an inborn, ingrained almost natural hatred for their daughters-in-law. Jean’s revelation is one in a million and I hope the naming and shaming of Febbie is a welcome development in the enlightenment of all those married ladies who are in Jean’s position 12 years back. Sando nezvipikiri zvacho kuna Jean!!! Lameck imonya!!!

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  11. Thank you very much for pouring out and expose this Febbie. They are of them who hide their characters in uniform churches like sheepskin. I also suffer the same predicament and surely God is with us women. I only hope those mother in laws will be punished before they’re die.

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  12. I am proud of you for sharing your story. I also had the same issue happen with my ex. Never accepting of me, never seeing anything from my point of view and oh ofcourse their son is always right even when openly wrong. She hid behind night night prayers and all night prayers thinking that they can reverse what is coming towards their wickedness.

    Thank God for his faithfulness, a family unit that loves you and your children was found and I am so happy for you. Needless to point out that your ex and his family will need to seek God’s mercy and repent otherwise his wrath will thwart them.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. We have a breed of abusers in our society one person mentioned where was Jean’s husband yes the sons of zimbabwe have been brought up by women to abuse women this has to stop. Speaking out like Jean is one women give your sons responsibility to love their wives. These sons are almost saints no one thinks their have a say in all these abuses. WHY THEY ARE MUMMY S BOY . The world should look at these spoilt unloving selfish boys who are good for nothing but referee fights between their mothers who are their first love and the girl who they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with. If the son had stood up and told his mum Jean or Lameck’s daughter or any one of us would not have suffered this way. But No they are not even talked about. Everyone wake up son are responsible to make their marriages wake.

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  14. Welldone you have taken this issue out of your chest that was very evil and am you would not write all this for nothing but its true some mother laws are terrible why hurt your son s wife as if you wanted your son to stay single and do what !!! Thats very ignorant of hurters wise up mothers that child was raised in a very special way and you abuse her for being with your son WHY this is happening most times evil VAROYI KUSHATA MOYO KUNGE NYOKA ISINA MAKUMBO ICHIDYA IVHU YORUMA FUTI NDATSAMWA TENDEUKAI MADZIMAI 9 months for pregnancy is the same to every woman to have that child abused muri MAPERE KWANAI SEMARI YEBHAZI MHANI PUUUUU!!!! Ndasvipa mate REPENT AND GOD FORGIVES YOU SOON

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  15. You are Zimbabwean Jean. Love Zimbabwe and don’t let these fools change who you are. I don’t understand why your in-laws thought you were ugly coz ur actually beautiful. Another talent lost to ezizweni. Nxa mani. I’m glad you’ve found happiness.

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  16. What s sad story!! My evil mother-in-law never liked me the movement l stepped my foot into her tiny house. I put it down to inferiority complex!! I came from an educated family. She played a big role in my divorce. Now the son is HIV positive living with his evil mither

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  17. Thank you Jean for speaking out for all of us. As Daughter in laws we aren’t perfect but do we really deserve such treatment. I didn’t have a mother in law but I suffered the same from my tetes. They all worship Chombo, my ex, as he is a government minister and they see him as their savior. They all go to church and wear uniforms but yo yo yo I suffered a silent death. The worst was his sister Thabeth who would do anything to make sure I look bad in front of Chombo. She was so accommodating of his “new wives” especially Bessie, Pokelo’s mother. They worship money these Tete’s. One Muzukuru I cared for from grade 3 to womanwood treated me like dirt. I hope Bongi Gwanzura now Mrs Rigava one day you will be made to pay for your sins. Mai Tino and Mai Shongi did I really deserve that. I hope your children and worse yourself suffer the same. Thank God my kids are god fearing. I pray I will never be like you towards my varoora.
    I haven’t reached the point of forgiving yet. I want them to suffer the same till they realize and learn. Kupfeka bhachi kunyebera Mwari.

    Thank you tete mai Mutete for standing out against all this. Thank you Lameck.
    Girls we have a long way to go to liberate our woman-folk.

    I met Virginia Phiri a writer herself and she said to me Marian Chombo you need to write a book. I will do one day.

    Lameck and Jean you have opened Pandora’s box.

    Thank you Jean

    Liked by 1 person

  18. This is such a common problem. Mothers in law who ill treat their daughters in law are everywhere, even sisters of husbands and other family members who are close to the man often ill treat and shame his wife for no just reason. They even want to literally rule the marriage and their relative’s home. What is even sadder is that some men are very weak, instead of protecting their wives they take the side of their family members knowing fully well that its wrong kushungurudza another person like that worse still his woman at home. I personally thank Lameck for what he did. Unfortunately she died before he could conclude matters with her. I particularly appreciate that this was said by a man. A man must be a protector of his family especially his wife when he knows that she is innocent he must protect her, the same applies to the woman. She must protect her husband from such family. This nonsense wrecks marriages and relations so much. It must be exposed by all means and confronted at all levels. Thank you lameck.

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  19. Its sad for many women. Many of such evil people hide behind churches and using the name of God. What then makes it worse is the African culture to hide things, not talk about it or challenge such ,pretending its respect for the elders. Women should speak out and expose such evil. We should also learn from such people so that we work very hard not to be like them and break their curses.

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  20. I think it’s become a culture..especially with shona mother’s in law…they can give you a hell fire. Umendo kawuthunyelwa gundwane. Our sister’s are back home…ngomabuyekwendeni…because of mothers who can’t let go of their sons. Youwill think you have found a mother but yooooo….uziphekile. Sorry Jean you had to finally leave your husband.

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  21. Let’s not forget that the good we do we do it for ourselves and the bad we do we it for ourselves again. The results may not happen to us bad dowers bt to our offspring’s.

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  22. This brought tears to my eyes because i have a Febbie in my life who is very much alive. She and her daughters keep on giving me grief and life has been so miserable i have contemplated leaving my marriage a number of times, but my hubby and i are in love. I believe one day God will take over

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  23. I remember witnessing a neighbour years ago mistreating a young heavily pregnant young girl who had eloped to her home. The girl was made to sleep outside, and when it rained she would seek shelter in the chicken run or at the public bus stop shelter. The mother in law wore her uniform to church, prayers were held at her home and she was the pinnacle of society. Her husband was complicit in the abuse of this pregnant young girl as he never tried to stop the abuse. The strange thing for me was that the evil woman and her husband had 5 daughters. How could anyone treat another human being like that. The girl lived in the chicken run/ outside for months. Every day I would pass her on my way to school and she would be sitting shivering in the cold by the bin. I was 14 years old, and this traumatised me. I remember this girl and I can still see her shivering in her torn dirty clothes sitting on the bin with her protruding baby bump. She was an orphan and had no one to look after her. The whole location new about her plight. Some one eventually took her- I don’t know where she went but I hope that wherever she is, she is happy. This happened 35 years ago. I know that the boyfriend remained a mom’s boy, never married and died from an illness a few years ago. I have been blessed with a lovely mother in law. But I understand the pain of the abused, downtrodden, frustrated, sad and unappreciated women here and all over the world. Thank you for talking about this.

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  24. What pains me even more is that theee are still a lot of Febbies out there and their sympathisers. It pains me to hear someone saying Lameck did wrong to stand for his daughter but that one I will do. No daughter of mine will suffer like that whilst I live to see it.

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      1. it doesn’t matter that he waited. He took his daughter any way he did not let her continue to suffer. And who care about not speaking ill of the dead? What matters is he aired out what was in his heart

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      2. Lameck followed the culture. He gave the family especially this evil woman time to sort her head out but clearly didn’t. How is he lying? Do you know more about the story than reported here? Lameck is taking care of his family. He stepped up! He didnt kick his daughter out forever like other dads would. I salute you man! Dust Kasiya… is either a wicked mother in law, clueless man or simply a heartless excuse of a human being.

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  25. It is good that social media is a catalyst for positive transformation. So often we paint a glorious picture of the late even if they came home late and beat the hell out of their families or wore a church uniform yet persecuted others. credit to Lameck and most important the one who posted to relook at how we approach life.

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  26. To those without their Lameck…take heart …you have a powerful just God…you have the Holy A Spirit who intercedes for you with groans and moans words cannot say. You are not what they have defined you to be, you are not what they want you to be, what they have told people you are. You are a daughter of the most High, loved by a very big God so put your chin up, walk with your head high ….your crown may fall –

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  27. To those without their Lameck…take heart …you have a powerful and just God…you have the Holy Spirit who intercedes for you with groans and moans words cannot say. You are not what they have defined you to be, you are not what they want you to be, what they have told people you are. You are a daughter of the most High, loved by a very big God so put your chin up, walk with your head high ….your crown may fall –

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    1. we ned to protect them cause God places human angels to protect others. Enough of using religion to protect abusers. Most people are told to bear cause God will vindicate them and live a life of pain. We need to speak out and protect the abused

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  28. There are people who are heartless out there, i wonder how they were raised by their own mothers, I am really sorry Jean u had to go through this for twelve years. i must say i’m one of the few lucky woman, both my in-laws were like my own people ,God bless them, though my mother in-law is late now but even on her death bed she called my father-in-law to tell him to take of me and my child… i wish we could have more of this kind of vanaamwene nanatezvara, lets keep fighting to be better people madzimai

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  29. Jean

    I applaud your Ghanaian husband for giving you hope and reason to rediscover yourself. Above all a chance to show what love ❤️ means and helped you to love again.

    As a brother my words of wisdom is learn to move on and cherish what you now have and say to your Febbie ” father, forgive her for she knows non what she is doing ” . Let us all learn from the love our saviour Jesus Christ demonstrated to all of us . You are now a new loved wife, through his abundant grace!

    Regards

    Ben

    Liked by 1 person

  30. It’s time women speak up and do away with evil family practices. Some women forget the route they took to be a mother in law. Women stand up, speak up. Men; Lameck might have gone too far by giving 48-hour ultimatum, but we need more men like him for better communities.

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  31. Let’s not forget the husbands extended family. Mainini – mother in laws young sister -and Tetes who hate you for no reason apart from the fact that you married their bhudhi!No matter how much you do to help them with their financial problems and supporting their children,they will figuratively throw WIWI on you. That’s when you really realise that they only pretended to like you for your money.Evil bastards!Believe me it’s happening right here and right now. I pray for their children to suffer the way they have made other people’s daughters suffer. May all thei horrible ways come back to bite them in their sorry backsides!

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  32. Thank God you’ve moved on and left evil behind.
    Forgiving is divine and Maya Abgelou also said: Bitterness is like Cancer-it ways on the endured.
    Good luck Jean..you deserve Peace, Happiness & Respect like everyone else.

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  33. Women we are our own enemies. Urimuroora nhasi waroorwa and you change to mother-in-law with age. What you disliked done to you by MIL you will do for your own muroora in future. May God help us know the right things to do.

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  34. Wicked mother in law indeed. Let this be a teaching to us as well, we are also going to be mothers in law too. Lets rebuke this wickedness henceforth.

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  35. I thought you were writing about my experiences Jean. How can there be more than 1 Febbie? Thank God you’re out of it and found your ever after! I’m still in it but Febbie’s baby has grown (a spine and some balls) eventually. Thank you for opening your heart. It couldn’t have been easy but your courage has made it easier to bring up such topics in Zim circles especially at church where my Febbie has flourished!

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