Sometime last year, probably around this time, I wrote to you. When I wrote I was in so much pain, so I could only do what I have always known best, write it all out.
I can’t believe I am here writing again, I never ever planned this day. But God makes everything beautiful in it’s time. My favourite singer Enya says…
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time
Maybe this is not really to you, but to God. Oh maybe it’s to you mama, but God will read it first.
I don’t know if you know the feeling of crying so hard, with all your breath left, in front of someone you love, because you just want them to love you and give you a hug, and tell you that it’s going to be okay, but they don’t. They look at you with disgust, like you are pathetic and they look away. Your tears and pain are not enough for them to have compassion on you, but rather your pain drives them to hurt you more and more. I know you know this feeling mummy, because you grew up an orphan.
I have come to that place where I have accepted that there are things in life that I can never change neither can I ever understand them. I can never do anything to earn someones love. Maybe we are two women who have walked two very painful different paths, maybe.
There has always been two sides of the coin which I sit here holding, one side has love and peace, the other has hate and pain. Today I choose the side of the coin which has love and peace. I have always seen this poem, but never knew what it meant until today.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
I have waited all my life mama, for that healing hug, but though it may never come, I am not an orphan, you are still here.
It’s been 3 years since I last saw you mama, even though you are only 2 hours away.
Today as I celebrate the birth of my 6th child, my 3rd son whom I asked God for, my body is still telling me that I’m recovering from childbirth. Every-time I give birth, you come to my mind and spirit because I imagine the pain you went through to bring me into this world. That is the side of the coin I am holding today, the side which has love and peace.
Something happened with the birth of my little Prince, my last son. The world celebrated with me in a way I had never seen before. Everyone was praying with me that he would come out a boy, and he did.
But there is something bigger that has happened, this precious baby is the one who will break that yoke and reunite me with the woman who gave birth to me.
This yoke has been so heavy on me mama, I never saw myself seeing you again anytime soon.
Last week when my little sister shared on her Facebook the birth of our little Prince, I knew for unto us a son had been given for such a time as this, because just last year this time, our paths as sisters seemed to have ended.
But at the beginning of this year as my little sister sent me messages to say she was sorry and she loved me and wanted me to be her sister again, I realised I could not hold on to the pain forever.
I don’t expect you to totally understand me, or why I write or do the things I do. It’s a path which works for me, the pen and paper will always be my only friends who understand me and allows me to be Jean.
But what I know is God chose you, out of billions of women on this planet, to carry me in your womb and birth me.
Today as I look forward to a moment I never thought would come, I see joy and peace ahead of me. I believe the moment you see your grandson, we will be able to laugh again.
I have 6 children now, I count myself the most blessed of all women. Maybe I was given more children because God knew I needed the love.
I told you that I was moving home, so today as I was packing, yes I still have to pack, even though I should be resting. I still have to make the home beautiful for the children. So as I was packing, I found a card in one of the boxes. And that healing hug I have been waiting for from you all my life mama, it was in this card that was drawn for me by my eldest son. It said, ‘Thank you for being the best mom that I can have’. It had a smiling emoji, a plant and a rose in a bottle. It also had stars, hearts and a cross. I remember he explained in detail every symbol, something about me being a rose that smiles and loves nature.
But it’s today this card meant the most to me, it just happened to be there when I needed this message the most. And it was that moment I realised, all my pain and tears have been a message in a bottle to God, and out of it all is a beautiful rose.
A rose is very fragile, its very emotional, I have always been that rose. My emotions (both positive and negative) have made me into the woman I am today. What I know about roses is if you don’t give them love, they will wilt, but if you take time to love them, they will blossom. My children have given me that love that allows me to glow.
And today I extend that love to you mama, because I also want to be the one to make you blossom. I have enough love around me to water your rose. Thank you mama, for birthing me.
I look forward to a moment I never thought would come, I see joy and peace ahead of me. I believe the moment you see your grandson, we will be able to laugh again.
The mother of your grandson