I would not be doing any justice to the Blended Family Series if I don’t dedicate an article on how to heal from your past wounds. A single mother comes with a lot of emotional baggage. Obviously, something unpleasant happened for us to be single mothers in the first place. So when we move on to a new relationship, we take that pain with us to our Boaz. Sadly he becomes the one who receives the impact of your pain. It’s a sad reality, hence some men do not want to be with single mothers because of that ’emotional baggage’.
I personally believe that being a Boaz is a calling and anointing, not all men are able to take a hurting woman and love her. A lot of men use the single mother’s pain to just sleep with them and leave them.
When you have met your Boaz, you have to allow him to help you heal, in his own way. The process may be hard for you at first, but you have to quickly learn to trust again, and let him be your head and guide you. As hard as it is for you, if he loves you and has taken away your reproach, do not be the one to tell him how he handles your emotional baggage, allow him to do what he has to do, his way.
I am one woman who came with a LOT of emotional trauma when I met Boaz. I came from a painful childhood and abusive marriage, in fact, I met Boaz because I was a victim of abuse.
The most challenging thing for me was to come to that place of realizing that I am not a victim any more and that not everything that is wrong between me and Nino was because I was vulnerable. At the beginning of our relationship, every time we had a major disagreement, I overreacted and felt so emotional to the point I felt like I was being abused all over again. I was oversensitive to even his jokes. Like he wasn’t allowed to laugh at me or play with me like that, I would literally break down over silly jokes.
This reaction was triggered because I was coming from a background where I was constantly laughed at and mocked for being myself. So I found any jokes directed to me very offensive.
Nino sat me down and explained to me that it was okay to laugh a little, to even laugh at myself. I needed to loosen up a little, actually I needed to loosen up a lot. He taught me that not every disagreement was because I was a victim. Many of our initial clashes were due to cultural differences and the way we were both raised. We grew up in two different countries and our family structures were very opposite. He came from a big close loving family in Ghana, with loads of supportive cousins, aunties and uncles. I was coming from literally being put in a refugee by my own family. I was also a feminist and did not fully trust men because of where I had been. I was afraid of being hurt again.
But slowly, I learnt to trust again and had to submit to Boaz’s principles and philosophies and culture even when I didn’t initially understand. At first, I didn’t quite understand him as I never knew better. But when I accepted his ways and culture, it became like a healing soothing oil to my broken heart. This is why I have so much love and respect for Ghana, the culture, the people and his family. They really raised my Boaz well, and for that, I am forever grateful.
I started to laugh at myself, which has totally helped me to heal from the pain. I do now laugh at my own stupidity and silliness, something I never did in my past life. When they say laughter is the best medicine, I have tested this and found it to be true. It’s been the greatest therapy for me.
My Boaz taught me not only to laugh at myself but to laugh at the abuse I suffered. I used to cry each time I spoke about the things I went through, but when I started telling Nino my stories. He would get angry that I was treated like that by the people who were supposed to care for me, then his anger turned to insulting them, but he does it with such humour and grace that we just end up laughing so hard to the point of crying.
Now the abuse stories have literally turned into major entertainment in our house, and if we are bored we pull a story out of the ‘abuse book’. We have characters and nicknames for the people who abused me. In fact, it’s now an intriguing allegory that we even learn from everyday, my abuse stories are now like our second bible.
Each character that abused me has a lesson behind how, why and when they abused, we even quote them in arguments, and use some of their taglines to prove a point against each other. It’s all become ridiculously funny yet educational and edifying.
Does it mean I never hurt again? Of course not. Like the song says, Everybody Hurts, Everybody Cries. Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I cry, though rarely, but if I do it always ends up in fits of laughter and loads of cuddles from Boaz. It simply means I am healed and I am not a victim anymore. Though my past does not have a stronghold on me again, unfortunately, or fortunately I have to live with the scars.
So my advice to sisters in waiting or those already with their Boaz is, the most important thing in your relationship with Boaz is turning the emotional baggage/pain into lessons, laughter and strength. You have to allow yourself to heal whilst resisting the temptation to play the victim, and allow Boaz to help you heal, in his own way without accusing him of ‘abusing’ you which we can easily do. In this process, you have to trust him and submit to him. This will be the strong foundation of your relationship, and once you overcome that hurdle and two of you can conquer anything, you become more than lovers, but best friends.