I have always been intrigued by polygamy and the lifestyle. I have always known it was a culture of black people. When I first became a born again Christian in 2007, I went on a quest to study Christianity and its history, and I found out how black Africans were converted to the Roman religion. A lot of black marriages were broken by the white missionaries, as polygamist Africans were told to put away their wives, who were left in dire situations as single mothers, destitute and abandoned by their newly converted christian husbands. As I studied Christianity, I quickly learnt that it was the religion which abolished the polygamy of black people, because Romans and white people have never been polygamists by nature, though some Mormon cults tried to copy the Israelite culture. Traditional polygamy was despised by the Romans.
That said, though I was intrigued by polygamy and thought it made more sense, practically, socially and spiritually for black people, its something I never wanted for myself because I have have never wanted to share a man and I found a lot of black women quite vindictive when sharing a man. I was grateful that I was born in this era of modernization, where the world subscribes to the Roman religion of monogamy. But deep down, my spirit was fascinated by polygamy but was just afraid of it.
My first marriage to a Zimbabwean fool also made me think that polygamy was a sin.
The Zimbabwean imbecile I was married to was so lazy and idle, he would go for weeks and months without touching me. It was a miracle I had children by him. O, how I used to wash and dress for him, and he would come home and sleep. Soon after he paid the Bride price to my father in Zimbabwe, the fool could only sleep. He never told me I was beautiful, so I thought he had married me out of pity. I used to starve myself to lose weight, because he made me feel so unattractive and would say I was fat, when I was actually underweight for a black woman. I never saw myself as beautiful, I never believed I was, because I felt like there was something wrong with me for my own husband not to be attracted to me.
He told me it was wrong for me to desire intimacy, and I was so shameful because all I ever thought of was sex, so I remember one day, breaking down in my bathroom and saying a prayer to God… “Why would you give me such a desire and make me a woman, if you would give me a husband who would punish me for being a woman? Please make me like a Catholic nun, and take this desire away from me.”
Somehow God answered that prayer, and I learnt to live without. It helped me a lot when I became a single mother.
My ex husband broadcasted my “sex issues” as he called them, to the world. He wrote on his blog that I was addicted to sex. He told the courts as he tried to take the children from me that I was a sex addict. He shamed me for ever wanting intimacy with him, and I carried so much guilt and shame, I thought there was something wrong with me.
Sometimes I thought maybe it was a spiritual matter with the fool. Maybe he was gay, maybe he was a spiritual husband to his mother, I asked him once if he slept with his mother, because she always knew that her son was like that.
Anyway, I carried all the shame of it, I was made to…
Then I met my West African Knight in shining Armour. My true King and Lord. My Boaz, who took away my shame, yes the shame of even desiring intimacy that my imbecile ex-husband had bestowed upon me.
Then I understood why Israelite men had many wives. I understood why men like King David could hold a harem full of beautiful women and satisfy them. My Boaz is such a man, he is strong and mighty like that.
When I became my Boaz’s wife, I understood polygamy.
Women have so many issues sexually. We go through times we lose our libido especially during pregnancy and and soon after childbirth. We take months to recover and feel like being intimate again. We go through menstrual cycles, and somehow our black men, ones like my Boaz, are supposed to cope without, waiting for the wife to recover from either childbirth or whatever issues she’s dealing with.
Men have higher sex drive than women, well normally, unless you are my Zimbabwean ex-husband. Maybe Zimbabwean men are different from West African men but anyway, normal men’s bodies are not physically affected by anything which stops them from having sex, but we women are. Every month alone, our bodies prevents us from having sex for at least 3 days to up to a week.
Physically, men were created to have more sex than women, and they were designed to have sex with more than one life partner. Women were created to want less sex, and our own bodies do not allow us to have sex all the time, even when we want to. We were created to be able to cope with one sexual partner at a time. There are also more women on earth than men. There are obviously more single women than men, especially black single women. As long as polygamy is banished within the black community, millions of black women’s fate leaves them to embrace the damned life of spinsterhood for life, which is not the will of God, as the Apostle Paul even said younger widows, (meaning the single mothers of childbearing age), should remarry and keep the home because they will still desire to have sex and remarriage will keep them from being gossips probably another word for today’s social media motivational speakers.
If anything polygamy is a redemption for black women, our men are already being taken in thousands by white women, whilst we are busy posing for pictures and putting motivational quotes on our half naked pictures and over filtered selfies.
So where does this leave me? Am I still afraid of polygamy now that my husband has taken another wife? No and yes. The culture and religions I was brought up in tells me there is much to fear.
But I have the most amazing husband, who has not only taken my reproach, but my fear too.
Last week, his second wife, my handmaid, moved in with us.
It’s been quite an adjustment for me, living with a woman who is also my husband’s wife. The younger children have taken to her, her spirit connects with them and she plays with them and makes them laugh. She does have a crazy sense of humor, her aura is one of joy. She has a different eyes to mine, sees things a little differently, as we are two different women from different cultures. But that said, she has a positive energy about her and she does respect me a lot. As a woman who doesn’t do “friends”, I do enjoy her company in my home.
Boaz and I refer to her as our Shulamite, because she is camera shy and does not want to be on social media, though Boaz is convincing her.
So how have the nights been like? Its still early days, but my husband has done an amazing job in making sure I have nothing to fear. The first night Shulamite came, my greatest fear was that Boaz would leave my bed chamber and be with her all night and I would feel so jealous. But that didn’t happen, Boaz told me that he knew that that is what I was afraid of, so he sent Shulamite to bed and stayed with me, and put our son to bed as usual. I told him it was okay, he could go to Shulamite and leave me, but he said no.
Then when I was sound asleep, probably around 1am, he literally sneaked off to be with Shulamite. And he has done the same since, he comes to me first, and we have our time with our little ones, so I have not really felt his absence, and have not had any lonely nights. I have not felt less loved, and the Shulamite is so submissive as my husband’s wife and my handmaid and she understands her place.
That is the grace of God upon my life.
Polygamy is a life changing adjustment for women, but it doesn’t have to be a burden of fearsome. If anything, if we embrace it, God does reward us in so many ways than we would have never imagined. I feel so honored to have a husband who is able to give me so much love, respect and honor, especially when he has taken another wife.